What I learned after a year of tidying up

April 30, 2016 Tatiana Temple

“Your daily life is your temple and your religion.” —Kahlil Gibran

Do you love your home? Or, more importantly, does your home love you?

As a “messy” person (at least according to my mom), I usually kept certain places clean, like my desk, or files on my hard drive—and had the hardest time with other places. Like my closet. Or the dishes in the kitchen.

Almost a year ago, a friend told me about The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, a bestselling book by Marie Kondo. It promised life changes, and magic.

All I knew was I just wanted to feel more in control of my home, and spend less time cleaning. So I started by pulling out all of my clothes onto my bed and going through them one by one, deciding what to keep and what to discard. KonMari method of tidying is difficult to grasp intellectually, so I won’t be describing it in detail here (plenty has been written about it). If you want to improve your home environment, get the book and do exactly what she says.

In the meantime, here’s what I discovered during and after the process.

#1 Your house can feel luxurious, even on a budget

My vision before starting KonMari was—I wanted to feel as if I’m living in a 5-star hotel. I don’t have staff. What I’m talking about is the feeling: Everything is provided for. Everything is pleasant. You are respected and valued.

So, if you think about your home, you probably have spaces that you love, like your favorite chair, or your bedroom. And then there are places that scare you, possibly the under-sink kitchen cabinet. Or that junk drawer.

Having things that you don’t like, or paperwork from something you resent—all of this creates stress, and flat out drains your energy. Even hidden out of sight (especially if it’s hidden). So, do yourself a favor, and discard the things that you do not love!

#2 Keep all things of the same kind together

One of the biggest lessons, and biggest improvements in creating peace in my home, and mind. For example, I used to keep shoes in two places—a shoe closet, and coat closet. I would only see the three or four pairs that I was using, and the rest of my beautiful shoes pretty much got forgotten. Now that they are all together, I see my entire collection every time I open the door.

Have you noticed how things deteriorate if you don’t pay attention to them? Now, it’s no shoe left behind. They all feel included and happy. Especially that I have designed a custom closet just for them ... yellow paint and all.

#3 How does your house feel, to the touch?

Another aspect to consider is textures. Are surfaces in your home smooth and soft to touch? What kind of sound do they make? As I was going through my kitchen, I realized that I’ve always disliked the sound of stainless steel bowls. They are just way too loud, especially if you are using a metal utensil or a hand mixer. So I got a set of melamine bowls that both look pretty and sound good.

Same thing happened with sliding closet doors. Not only they obscured half of the closet at all times, they were also heavy, clunky, and made a screeching sound. Who came up with that stuff in the first place? I donated all of them to Habitat for Humanity, and put up soft sheer curtains instead, using simple shower curtain rods.

Bookcase in my office, and Buddy the Beagle

#4 You do not need containers

The container / box / basket industry creates the images of perfect peace and order, if you place everything in a container. Not necessarily so. Things can live peacefully on the shelf, provided there is enough space. You can stack towels in a cute pile, arrange bottles and jars, each having its designated spot. Pretty things can be both functional and decorative. I did break this rule for the shoe boxes, because I wanted to be able to stack them on top of one another, and also to keep my special heels from collecting dust.

#5 The fewer clothes you have, the more you have to wear

Paradoxical, isn’t it? I have pared down my clothes four times in the last year. Each time discarding probably 30%. I did replace some of them, but still I have much less than what I started with. When you can see all of your clothes at the same time, and all of them are your favorites, you feel completely in control. You can pull out any item without even looking. And somehow, you feel like you have more to wear!

During the last round, I had help from a dear friend and a genius stylist Kate. She opened up a whole new world of clothing. I thought I knew what to wear, but far from it! Her A-list philosophy is genius. And she did it all on Skype. Check out her website at www.kategoldsborough.com.

#6 Watch out for word noise

Marketing messages on packaging, boxes, magazines—whether you want it or not, you see those labels and your subconscious mind registers them. Your brain has enough clutter going through it every day, so why add to it? I have become very picky as to what words I allow into my house. I keep things in un-labeled containers. Glass jars have become my best friends. And sometimes, I intentionally put words on my walls, to create certain vibration.

#7 Things and places can talk

I often go to a room or a space, and ask the space: what do you want? And the room will tell you. Once the energy-draining things are gone, the rest of your stuff starts telling you what it wants.

For example, my dresser wanted to live in the closet. My bathroom now wants to be a barefoot space, with soft cotton rugs. And it wants a new toilet, literally. After two years of putting off replacing the toilet, I got the message loud and clear, because the old one broke!

One of the reasons that I started tidying in the first place was that I wanted to create a good-feeling home office. And I couldn’t. I discarded, and tidied, and still I couldn’t make it “click.” Then, one morning, I realized that I had to re-arrange the rooms entirely! So now that my office has moved to the corner bedroom, things fell into place.

#8 Love your home, and it will love you back

I even talk to my house as a whole. I asked my house, what is your name? And I heard the answer. My name is Love.

Ahhhhh!! This was the most comforting thing anyone ever told me! Living surrounded by unconditional love. As if my house has been there all along, just waiting for me to take care of my space, and to listen. I had a sign custom made, and put it up above the entryway.

I invite you to go to a spot in your house and talk to it, right now. Bring a chair. Sit comfortably. Listen for a few minutes. Do you hear anything?

Shopping list

I usually get questions about this, so here is where you can get some of the things:

Clear shoe boxes: Heeled shoe boxes from the Container Store
Closet curtains: MATILDA from IKEA
Kitchen mixing bowls: Zak Design nesting bowls
Bookcases: HEMNES from IKEA
Dresser: HEMNES from IKEA (no longer available in red)
Shelf: EKBY from IKEA
Love sign: Duane and Susan’s workshop on Etsy

But how exactly do you fall in love with yourself?

April 11, 2016 Tatiana Temple

This question puzzled me for a long time. Ever since I read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life, I decided that I will fall in love with myself, or die trying.

As you probably know very well, in our society people’s appearances are constantly criticized. Especially if you are a woman, it’s hard to grow up not hating your body, and therefore yourself. I did not like it; so I set out to find the magical cure.

First, I thought it was in the books. I have jumped onto Amazon, local library, and everywhere I could to find the book that will reveal the secret. In a couple of years, I had read over a hundred self-help volumes. Each of the authors convinced that their approach really worked (I am sure it did). I have tried affirmations, mirror work, tapping, the morning pages (from the wonderful book by Julia Cameron)... you name it, I have probably done it. But still, the voice in my head was sounding like your worst-nightmare teenage bully (“Just look at that belly! Or that chin! OMG! No one will ever, ever, ever love you!”)

Then I discovered workshops. I was in love! You go and you get super, duper inspired. You come back home on cloud nine... only to find the reality of life deflate your bubble in no time. Tens of thousands dollars later, back to square one. I’m not saying workshops don’t work, they are wonderful experiences that really help in moving you forward, but they are limited in the power to actually influence your daily life.

In the span of nine years, I’d done a lot of radical things: ending my marriage, finding a new love, moving to the most beautiful town, getting a dog... But I still had that inner terrorist attacking me every time I looked into the mirror.

What the... ?!? I was getting impatient. I found another book with great advice (highly recommend it, The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson). But this time I did it differently. I actually set up an action plan and put each and every one of the activities on my to-do list. Not just a simple to-do list, a game.

Every time I went to the mirror and said “I love you” (I admit it, I had to fake it for a while till I felt something), I recorded it. Every single day, every single activity got me some goodie points in my game. My obsessive personality finally was paying off! I was so addicted! But this time it was working for me, not against me.

Around week three, I started looking around and noticing things were different. I was getting happier. Looking at my dog Buddy, I suddenly realized that he actually loves himself, and life. I was not aware of that before!

And then one morning, I woke up with a thought: “I did not create this body, therefore I have no right to hate it.”

Whoa. OK. I get it.

And since that day, my negative self-talk went away. I am able to look myself in the eyes, and admire that person. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror and think “what a cutie.”

And that was just the beginning. I feel that since then, my life is falling more and more back together. I have found true serenity and happiness, in so many areas.

I did find the answer. You fall in love with yourself through action. Daily small action.

The smallest things can make the biggest difference. Things like putting makeup on every morning (gender-appropriate, of course :). Not necessary, but my day just goes better when I look extra pretty. Or doing my 15-minute yoga routine. Or putting out clothes I plan to wear the next day. These all added up to a wonderful feeling that I am loved and cared for. I finally started to trust myself that yes, being so nice to myself... I must really love me!

So now, I would like for more people to experience this. Something truly wonderful is in the works... If you would like to play a game like this, subscribe to email updates on our blog, and you’ll be the first to know!

Self-love... or just selfishness?

March 29, 2016 Tatiana Temple

Have you ever been called selfish? I certainly have, and not without a reason.

When I tell people that I am working a new business venture to help people love themselves, I often hear, “Isn’t there enough self-focus in the world? It’s just selfish to always think about oneself!”

While these two terms seem to be related, when you dig deeper, you will see how diametrically different they are. I’ve spent the last decade of my life navigating through these two concepts.

Louise Hay said in her famous book You Can Heal Your Life, if you love yourself, everything in your life works.

Then, Zig Ziglar said, you can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.

Both statements are pointing to the same thing.

Self-love is when you take responsibility for your own life. You intimately know this human being that is you—your value, your talents, your quirks. You know that you have something to contribute to this world. And you know that you simply cannot afford to run yourself into the ground while doing it. You need maintenance, rest, and regular checkups. Because when you do that, you will be of much better assistance to those around you, won’t you?

You will be pleasant to be around. You will be present to hear what others have to say—to get into someone else’s world, and make their day better (a.k.a. get what they want).

Selfishness, on the contrary, results from lack of self-love. Selfishness happens when you, for whatever reasons, don’t take care of yourself. Maybe it’s not enough sleep, or not enough fun, or wrong kinds of foods that you are feeding yourself. Maybe you expect others to take care of you, and they don’t. Then what? You become irritable, angry, unhappy, and basically unable to pay attention to anything but yourself. That is irresponsible and could even be harmful to others.

Selfishness is rigid... as if you have to have your way, right now, or the world is going to fall apart. Selfishness is fearful. But self-love is relaxed. It knows that more good is coming your way every minute of every day. It can focus on what is good, right here and right now.

Examples of selfishness are many, you can probably give me a dozen right right now. It so happens that in our culture, very few people truly love themselves. It’s not an accusation, but a fact we have to live with: most people lack self-acceptance, and therefore tend to be selfish.

So, in this culture, self-love requires courage. The courage to take time for yourself when your children need you. The courage to tell your friend that you can’t help her because you need to spend an afternoon napping. Whatever your specific requirements are to stay in top shape, you have to constantly defend them.

So expect people to be disappointed and upset. Selfish people tend to get upset if things don’t go their way.

But by practicing your self-love, by setting your boundaries you are being generous, both with yourself and others. You know your limitations, and you are not taking, you are actually giving. When you are full, you can share your overflow with others. And, teach by example while you are at it!

Right now, sit down and write down five absolute yeses, and five absolute nos: five things you have to do regularly to maintain a happy, productive state. And five things that you will absolutely not do, ever again.

I believe this is the generation that ends the long cycle of self-hatred, addictions, isolation that has been the hallmark of our culture. I believe it is time for us to learn this new skill, and teach it to our children.

This is what this blog is about—the practical, working techniques to finally fall in love with yourself—and have everything in your life work.